


as soon as forever is through

by marcasite



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Flashbacks, Kissing, Modern AU, Post-Break Up, This Is Sad, Tumblr Prompt, annngggsssttt, but hopeful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 11:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16660741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcasite/pseuds/marcasite
Summary: A conference, a bad breakup, and too many memories...how do two people who love one another find their way back to each other?





	as soon as forever is through

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinCanTelephone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/gifts).



> This is for [TinCanTelephone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone) who asked for an awkward elevator au. Ummmm, this is not that...

Jyn looks at her watch, tapping her foot restlessly against the carpeted floor of the convention hall. She glances at her watch, sighing when she realizes she has ten more minutes before this speech will be over. It’s not that these speeches haven’t been interesting but just as she had found her seat at the start of this speech, she heard a laugh so familiar it sent shivers coiling through her.

Cassian is here.

She searches for the sound of his laugh and caught him out of the corner of her eye. She watched as he waved to someone and turned to take his seat, while instinctively slouching down in her seat to avoid being noticed. She discreetly follows him with her eyes as he settled down several rows in front of her.

It’s been two years since she saw him last and a part of her wonders if this was inevitable. It’s not that he hadn’t tried to reach out to her the first few months after she walked out of their flat, out of his life, but with the help of Bodhi and Leia, she had been able to move on with her life, picking up the pieces one at a time.

She wants to text her brother and and let him know that Cassian is here but what could Bodhi do? He would just worry and then worry some more. 

Sighing, she glances at her watch one last time before she turns to look at the back and decides it’s okay to make a quick exit now. She’s seated close to the exit and can leave quietly.

Or so she tries. 

As she is edging her way to the end of the row, Cassian happens to turn his head and catches sight of her as she finally makes it to the back. She watches his face stumble into recognition and doesn’t miss the stricken look that comes over his expression. Sighing, she turns towards the door and pushes her way out into the bright light of the corridor.

Well, that could have gone much worse. 

Blinking at the change of light, she decides to just head back to her room. Just seeing Cassian brings back a flood of memories from their two years together. A lot of wonderful memories but all those are superseded by the last painful weeks of their particular love story.

 

___________

_ She was talking to Bodhi when she noticed Cassian with a pretty girl, his head close to her blonde hair as he bent to hear what she was saying. At this distance, with a smile on his face, Cassian looked younger, less tired. The girl with him had her head tipped slightly to one side and was smiling as she spoke.  _

_ Cassian altered his stance, placing one hand on the wall beside him and shifting his feet. The girl changed position, leaning against the wall. The small, casual movements had the effect of bringing them closer together, almost as if they were trying to shut themselves off from the crowd around them. _

_ “Jyn? What’s going on?” Bodhi was watching her anxiously, aware he had lost her attention. _

_ She dragged her gaze back to Bodhi, smiling warmly, “Nothing. Sorry, I got distracted.” _

__________

  
  


Jyn opens her eyes against the memory and walks away from the room. The last thing she needs is for the speech to be over and Cassian to come stumbling out and right into her. 

Seeing Cassian again has started the trickle of forgotten memories; memories of moments she had thought she had safely buried away. After their split, she had gone over all the small moments and realized that they had added up to something she had been forcing herself to not see. Cassian had tried to tell her, with his actions, that they were drifting apart but she had refused to see the signs. Looking back, she blamed her job, his job, everything but the fact that they were not good at simply talking to each other. 

Everything could have been avoided if they had just said what they were feeling. Jyn shakes her head as she gets closer to the elevator bank. What a mess. Even after the break-up, they never talked about what happened, why it happened. Jyn mourns the loss and wonders how much time has to go by before it’s too late. 

 

__________

_ In the cab home, Cassian sat beside her with his arms folded, whistling softly. _

_ “You sound happy, how much did you drink tonight?” _

_ “I don’t need to be drunk to be happy,” he protested. _

_ Jyn hummed in reply, “Who was the blonde girl?” _

_ “Which blonde girl?” _

_ “The one you were talking to.” _

_ “When?” _

_ “What do you mean, when?” She glanced at him, wondering if he had overindulged. “At the bar?” _

_ “There were a lot of blonde girls at the party, Jyn. You are going to have to be more specific.” Cassian’s tone had a small bite to it and it startled her. _

_ “The gorgeous blonde that was all legs and big blue eyes.” _

_ “Oh-her,” he said. “You must be talking about Katie. Kathryn Sayne our new junior editor.” _

_ Surprised, she turned to him. “You didn’t mention a new editor.” _

_ “Didn’t I?” He turned to look at her, “You haven’t been around much lately.” _

_ Jyn swallowed the lump in her throat, it’s true that things have been hectic but they always told each other everything.  _

_ “She seems to have settled in all right.” _

_ “How do you know?” _

_ “Well, you and she were having a cozy conversation at one point tonight.” She cast him an amused sideways look, trying to lighten the air between them. _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ Teasing, she said, “You had her nicely backed into a corner-not that she seemed to mind.” _

_ Cassian cut her off coldly, “I was not backing her into any corner and she’s a professional.” _

_ “Cassian, I was joking!” Astonished, she turned to look at him, seeing him scowling and sitting very straight. She expected him to laugh and relax. Instead he sat immobile and unspeaking, the silence weighted between them. _

_ It was silly, she thought. Of course Cassian wouldn’t cheat on her, she trusted him completely. He had never given her reason to do so otherwise. _

_ But watching him now, she felt the first tendrils of doubt creep in. _

__________

  
  


“Jyn.”

She stiffens at the sound of her name, at the sound of Cassian’s voice and quickly presses the up button again. She knows it doesn’t make it arrive any faster but she is pushing all her mental energy into wishing that elevator down. 

“Jyn, is that you?” Why couldn’t he ignore her like she was trying to ignore him?

She sighs, deeply and quickly pastes a smile on her face before turning around. “Cassian. What are you doing here?”

Idiot.

He looks so good, the last two years have been kind to him. She sighs again wondering how she must appear to him, she is sure she has not aged half as well as he has.

He runs his hand across the back of his neck before responding quietly, “The publishing house  thought it would be a good idea for me to attend this conference and I decided to stay a few more days to catch the later speeches. Are you here for this conference as well?”

She nods tightly, “Yeah, leaving the day after tomorrow.”

The silence settles between them awkwardly and she discreetly reaches behind her to try and hit that button again. Where was the stupid elevator? 

“You...ah, you look great, Jyn. I hope things are good.” Cassian is watching her and she can see that his face is flushing.  Great, he thinks this is just as awkward as she does.

“Yeah, yeah, things are good. Busy, you know.” Where was this elevator?

“Um, do you want to get a drink...at the bar? Catch up?”

What? No, she does not want to get a drink at the bar with the one person that she has never been able to move on from, never been able to get over. Who took hold of her heart and then threw it away like it meant nothing at all. No, she does not want to get a drink and catch up.

“Yeah, we don’t...we don’t have to do that, Cassian. I’m sure the last thing you need is to rehash things with me.” Jyn tries to keep her voice neutral and is rewarded with the sound of the elevator arriving. Finally.

“Bye, Cassian. Enjoy the conference.” She turns to the elevators as the doors slide open and she steps in, smiling at Cassian softly. She presses the buttons for the floor below and above hers, because she is paranoid and slumps against the back of the elevator when it finally closes.

That went better than she thought it would.

 

__________

_ Leia’s voice is soft on the phone, “Jyn, there is something you should know.” _

_ “What’s up?” _

_ “It’s Cassian. Um, he was...that is, Kay saw him today...Kay surprised him…” Leia found herself at a loss of words.  _

_ “Spit it out, Leia. Is he okay?” _

_ “Kay walked in on him at work, he was kissing some girl and...yeah. I thought Kay was going have fits.” _

_ “Kissing? Like on the cheek?” _

_ “No, Jyn.” Leia’s voice trembles and Jyn knows. She knows what she has been hiding from is true and the room swirls around her eyes.  _

_ “Okay.. okay. “ Jyn’s voice is dull and she doesn’t say goodbye to Leia as she hangs up the phone. Taking a deep breath, she lets the pain wash over her, lets it consume her, wishes the tears would come and roll down her cheeks as she braces her hand against the wall. _

_ But she finds the hollowness inside her too stark to even muster a single tear.  So, gathering herself together she goes to their bedroom and starts to gather some of her belongings together. _

_ By the time he lets himself in, she is calm and sitting carefully on their sofa. The flat is dark except for the light she has on behind her in the hallway. He sighs when he sees her, dropping his bag on the floor beside the door.  _

_ He starts to walk over to her but she holds her hand up staying him. She doesn’t want him too close.  _

_ “You know then?” _

_ “ I think I might have known for awhile but yes, I did hear about today.”  _

_ “It was a one time thing, I swear it. Jyn, I was distracted and it’s nothing, just a kiss.” _

_ She looks at him thoughtfully, “I don’t believe you, Cassian. I don’t trust you, either.” _

_ She watches him flinch as he absorbs the meaning of her words. She could feel something shatter inside of her as she spoke, the thread of love and trust between them eradicated. _

_ “Who was it, Cassian?” _

_ “Jyn. What’s the point? I want to make this up to you, I swear I’ll fix this.” _

_ “Who was it, Cassian?” Jyn repeats herself, voice steady.  _

_ “It was Katie...Kate Sayne.” _

_ At first sheer astonishment held her silent. Immediately on its heels came a feeling, rather than a coherent thought -  _ **_of course._ **

_ “Junior Editor Katie?” she said at last, and began to laugh, her head going back. _

_ “Don’t, Jyn.” _

_ But she went on laughing, a hand at her midriff, the laughter welling out of her until he stepped forward into her space, “Stop it!” _

_ His face was white and furious. Jyn choked to a stop and stared at him, her eyes wide and clear. “I hope that kiss was worth everything you had with us, Cassian.”  _

_ “Jyn, no. What are you saying?” She watched as a faint line of color darkened his cheekbones. _

_ Surprised at the depth of pain she felt, Jyn tightened her lips together, to stop the tremble, and drew a breath. She had known that there was distance between them but had chalked it up to the campaign, never imagining that Cassian had started falling for someone else.  _

_ She closed her eyes and made her decision, “I’ll get the rest of my things tomorrow.”  _

_ She turned and grabbed the bag she had stowed near hallway and walked out the door, ignoring Cassian’s protests. The door fall shuts behind her, and the last thing she heard inside was the absence of sound as her heart breaks into a million pieces. _

__________

  
  


Jyn shakes the memory from her mind and furiously kicks off her shoes before sitting on the bed. She knew that seeing Cassian was going to bring up these memories but she hadn’t realized how badly it would hurt all over again. The days after she left him were bleak and devoid of any light. She stayed on Bodhi’s couch for weeks while she found a new place to live. 

Bodhi had been incredible, kind and caring as he helped her get back on her feet. He had been the one to gather her belongings from her flat and had dealt with Cassian. She had not once asked after Cassian; her heart was gone and there was nothing left for him there so what did it matter?  

With the benefit of hindsight, she knew that she had to absorb some of the blame for her failed relationship with Cassian. She had never believed in love at first sight but the moment she had met Cassian, she was gone. It was like she had known him forever, had known him in another universe and she had finally found her home. 

She had been twenty-two when they had met, he was four years older and already well established in his job. She had finished school and was about to start work on a local political campaign which she had been thrilled to land. Their relationship moved fast, burning hot and furious. They had found a flat together after three months of dating and their friends and family had merged into one giant circle surrounding them. Cassian was always thoughtful, always there when she needed his support and understanding. He listened to her, always included her, and valued her opinions. He made her feel safe and in return she gave him trust, love, and support as he worked his way to a senior editor’s job at his publishing house.   

He had been the love of her life until he wasn’t.

The last six months of their relationship had been filled with tension. The campaign was taking its toll on her, creating stress, missed dates, and vague promises. She could look back and see the small moments where she had started to lose Cassian, the lost chances to fix the path they had started down.

 

__________

_ “Jyn?” _

_ She turned to look at Cassian at the sound of his voice. _

_ “Would you like to go to dinner tonight?” _

_ “Who’s invited us?” _

_ “No one.”  He finished pulling on his sweater, “I thought we could use a night out. Just the two of us.” _

_ “Sounds nice,” she pursed her lips, mind going over her calendar. “Except I promised Lando that I would swing by and go over the phone lists. How about tomorrow night...oh wait, we promised Leia and Han that we would come for dinner. Another time?” _

_ “Sure.” He jerked his belt closed around his waist, looking down to fasten the buckle. “You let me know when you can fit me in.” _

_ Jyn frowned, starting to say something but Cassian had already turned away from her and was reaching down to grab his shoes. He stood up and left their bedroom without another word.  _

_ She watched him leave, tendrils of insecurity roiling her insides.  _

__________

  
  


She picks up her mobile and dials Bodhi’s number. It rings once, twice and then suddenly he is there. 

“Jyn!” 

“Hey,” She clutches the phone tighter in her hand at the sound of his voice.

“Everything all right?”

“Cassian is here,” Her voice is soft, filled with both dread and hope.

She hears his quick intake of breath, “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just wanted...I just needed to hear your voice.”

“Did you speak to him?”

She shakes her head before remembering that he can’t see her, “Yes, no… I mean, yes he asked if I wanted to have a drink, catch up.”

She laughs a little, trying to cover her discomfort but Bodhi presses her, “Did you say yes?”

“What? Why would I say yes?” She’s surprised at Bodhi’s question.

She can hear his sigh, “Jyn, you haven’t spoken to him in two years. Two years, you’ve never asked about it, never opened up about what happened but he has.”

“What?”

“He texts me from time to time. I never told you, I just didn’t know how you would react.”

Jyn can’t stop the way her hands shake; can feel that dam she has been holding onto so tightly start to crack. “You never said.”

“What could I say? You never seemed to really want to talk about it.” Bodhi’s voice is tired. “He asks about you; what you’re doing, if you’re happy. Jyn, he cares about you. A lot. And I am never sure you guys had a chance to figure out what happened or even have closure.”

She is so quiet, stilling under the onslaught of his words. “Jyn, are you there?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m still here.”

“Go talk to him, Jyn. What have you got to lose?”

What has she got to lose? 

“Yeah, okay.” Her voice trembles but she smiles, “I love you, Bodhi.”

“I love you, Jyn. Make good choices, okay?”

She hangs up and stares at the phone. She could go see Cassian, just talk to him but what if it’s a complete disaster and she needs to get out of there?

She texts Bodhi quickly -  **What if it’s a mistake and I need to get out of there?**

**It’s not a mistake and if you need to go, you’ll get up and leave.**

Taking a deep breath, she prepares herself for the worst and hopes for the best.

 

__________

_ She hadn’t seen Cassian for months, had no plans to. She told herself that she was learning to live without him, making a new life for herself. But they were empty assurances. All the time that was keeping herself busy and interested, talking and walking and working, she felt like a hollow puppet. Her mind jerked the strings and made her appear lifelike, even animated, but inside there was a gaping hole where her heart use to be. _

_ Then one Saturday, while she was lounging in Bodhi’s flat waiting for the game to start, there was a knock at the door. Opening it, she came face to face with Cassian. “Cassian!” She stepped aside to let him in, shock etched all over her face. _

_ “Bodhi ran out to grab some crisps. He’ll be back in a few minutes...if you want to wait.”  _

_ Cassian stepped into Bodhi’s flat and Jyn shut the door behind him. She stood there, quietly, not sure what to say or why he was even there. The silence stretched taut between them, pulling tighter and tighter the more beats it took to break it. _

_ “You’re looking well,” Cassian finally said, cutting through the awkward quiet that had grown between them. _

_ She had no makeup on and her hair was carelessly tied back, several strands escaping around her face. She wore baggy sweat pants and an old, stained sweatshirt. “Thanks,” she said, dryly. _

_ He had lost weight, she thought, regarding him critically, and there was a look of strain around his eyes and mouth. “Is something wrong?”  _

_ Cassian looked slightly surprised at her question and shook his head. “No.” _

_ Jyn didn’t know what to do, “What are you doing here, Cassian? Did you know I would be here?” _

_ “I wanted to...say hi...to be sure you’re okay?” _

_ “I am. You don’t have to keep reassuring yourself of my well-being. I think the best thing you can do for me is to leave me alone and let me let go.” _

_ She didn’t mean to say the last part, it just slipped. She pressed her lips together, waiting for the next blow. _

_ “Jyn, you don’t mean that. I know that what I did was wrong but we know each other too well too-” _

_ “We really didn’t,” Jyn interrupts, “I never imagined that you’d- that this would happen to us.” _

_ “Are you in love with me?” Cassian had shoved his hands into his coat, staring at Jyn. _

_ The question was not what she expected, it was a stone hurled at a smooth pond. She felt the first impact with stunned surprise, the ripples of outraged shock began to spread through her body. “You have no right to ask me that!” _

_ “No right at all,” Cassian agreed, voice flat and cold. “But I’m curious...are you?” _

_ What did he want from her? The final humiliation for admitting that not a day went by that she did not think of him, long to have him back by her side. That every night she lay in her bed torturing herself remembering all that they had shared. That watching him even now; the way his throat works as he swallowed, the way his mouth moved as he spoke brought back the sheer want.  _

_ “Get out!” The wave of anger swamps her, overrides her senses and she pushes his chest. “Out.” _

_ His mouth tightens and she can see the anger on his face. But he turns and leaves and she is left to start all over again. _

__________

  
  


She enters the bar, scanning the groups clustered throughout the room and finds Cassian quickly enough. She would recognize him from any angle. He is sitting towards the end of the bar alone with drink in front of him. 

She makes her way over to him and slides into the seat next to him. He turns his head slightly and she sees the shock slide over his face when he recognizes her. He simply blinks before exhaling quietly. “Jyn.”

“Hi, Cassian. I decided to take you up on the offer to catch up.”

He watches her, his words careful, “I’m glad, Jyn. I was happy to see you today.”

The bartender approaches and Jyn orders a vodka soda, “Still with the same publishing house?”

Cassian gives her a rueful smile, “No, I took a position at a smaller house that specializes in non-fiction after…”

His voice trails off and she understands what he is saying. After his kiss with the junior editor, after she left, after them.

He continues, “It seemed like the right thing to do and I haven’t regretted it. It turned out to be a better fit and I discovered that I fell back in love with doing my job.”

“Definitely, relatable.” Jyn’s drink arrives and she smiles quickly at the bartender in thanks. She takes a small sip, “I left campaign work behind and moved into a more “behind the scenes” role. I work for a consulting firm now and it is definitely a lot more nine to five.”

She lifts her eyes and finds Cassian staring at her, eyes full of sorrow. She realizes that both of them learned their lessons too late. “I realized that I was starting to hate how much time the campaigns were taking from me and wanted to get back to why I got into politics in the first place.”

One of the things that she understands about what happened to them, is everything that they both took for granted. They had started out with so many stars in their eyes they could barely see anything but each other. But life has a funny way of catching up when you least expect it and they grew apart because they both weren’t trying. 

Cassian breaks the silence, eyes sweeping over her face as if memorizing her features. “I never said I was sorry, Jyn. I was...I am sorry, Jyn, more than you could ever know.”

Jyn feels something tighten in her chest as she watches him carefully, “I never really gave you the chance to. It happened and I was gone.”

She looks away, suddenly very uncomfortable with the conversation. Especially with the location of this particular conversation. She turns back to face Cassian again, “This is going to sound really strange, but do you want to come up to my room?”

She knows her face is flushing, can feel the heat crawl up her face, “I mean...so we can talk. Really talk.”

Cassian nods, he understands what she is saying, what she is asking for. He waves for the bartender to pay and after he does he motions for Jyn to proceed him out of the bar.

 

__________

_ Jyn placed her bag against the door as she walked in. “Hey! Something smells good.” _

_ She walks into the kitchen and wraps her arms around Cassian’s waist as he is stirring something on the stove. She sighs against his back, sinking into his warmth. _

_ “Long day?”  _

_ “You have no idea. I am so happy to be home.” _

_ Cassian places his free hand against her hand that is resting against his waist. “Dinner’s almost ready, go change and it’ll be right up.” _

_ She pulls away, already feeling the loss, “Sure. I’ll be right back.” _

_ She walks towards the bedroom to change, “Hey, do you still want to go out somewhere? Just you and I, maybe have drinks tonight out?” _

_ She watches as Cassian tenses up, can see the way his back straightens. He turns to look at her and his eyes have a strangely unfocused look, before he seems to shake himself. “I thought things were busy with the campaign.” _

_ “They are, it’s just…” She hesitates, not wanting to put into words her deepest fears. “You’re right, let’s do it some other time. The campaign is almost over and it won’t be like this anymore. I’ll be around so much you’ll wish I was on another campaign.” _

_ She laughs, but the sound is hollow. She doesn’t miss the grimace that crosses Cassian’s face before he carefully hides it and that look carves another notch of doubt into her heart.  _

_ His face is bleak as he watches her walk away to change.   _

__________

  
  


The elevator ride is as awkward as she thought it would be. Her room is on the nineteenth floor so they endured only a handful of stops on the ride up, each stop pushing Cassian closer into her space as he shifts closer for each new passenger. 

She watches him as he walks over to stand at the window, much like she had earlier in the evening. He stares at the skyline, hands in his pockets and Jyn takes a moment to appreciate how good he looks, how he hasn’t really changed that much since she last saw him walking out of Bodhi’s flat. 

“Cassian, how did we let ourselves get here?” Her voice is soft and she watches as his shoulders slump. 

“I don’t know.” He turns to look at her, “That’s a lie. I do know. I let you slip away from me. I watched it happening and went ahead and made the biggest mistake of my life. I told myself, don’t do it, don’t do this, don’t let this happen but I did. I did this.”

Jyn watches him helplessly, biting her lip to stop the trembling. Her voice comes out stronger than she thought it would, “No, Cassian. You did not do this. We did this. We did this.” 

She is waving a hand between the two of them, trying to emphasize how much she has learned and understood about herself in the past two years.  

“I think I knew...you were giving me signals that you were unhappy and I ignored them.” 

Cassian nods, “Yes, but I never should have….it should never have happened.”

“I was very jealous.” Jyn admits.

“Jealous?” His eyes search her face. “I wondered, a few times, I wondered. But you seemed so cold, so angry, so very detached and I just thought, this woman doesn’t give a damn.”

“I did..I do, Cassian. So much. After we split, I changed everything because I was determined to understand what went wrong. I quit working on something that cost me so much when I wasn’t even happy doing it.” Jyn tosses her hands up and takes a step closer to where Cassian is standing. “Couldn’t we…couldn’t we...”

Cassian momentarily closes his eyes. “I wish I had spoken to you, I wish I had tried harder to let you know how I felt. I regretted everything immediately. I knew I had thrown away everything we had, and everything we might have had in the future for a false emotion, for nothing at all.”

Jyn swallows, “Couldn’t we...just try? I never wanted to let you go, I just didn’t know what to do so I just fell back on what I knew, what was easiest. It was easier to be angry, easier to believe that everything that went wrong was because of you. That you didn’t love me the way I loved you, that you were weak and easily swayed. It was easier to shut you out, it hurt less…”

“I always believed you loved me less, that you wouldn’t care if...and that’s how it looked to me. It’s why I asked if you still loved me that afternoon. If...if you had said yes, I would have moved heaven and earth to fix things, I would have spent the rest of my life trying to make everything up to you but you didn’t...you didn’t answer.” Cassian has stepped closer, she can feel the passion laced through his voice and it cuts through the haze she feels like she has fallen into. “Jyn…”

She can feel herself on the precipice of something wonderful; it yawns open wide before her and all she has to do is take a leap, to place her trust back in the only person she has ever loved.

“Do you still love me?” 

She nods her head yes and Cassian moves in front of her, hands cupping her face gently as he lowers his mouth to hers.

The taste of his mouth is so familiar, and yet it is like the first time. Initially it is a soft, almost tentative touch; then it becomes firmer, teasing and coaxing, She stands quietly, hardly daring to breathe, all of her concentration on the sensations he is creating, the subtle movement of his mouth on hers. She wants to throw her arms around him and bind him to her, but this delicate, tender seduction of her mouth weaves too fragile a spell to be broken.

Cassian pulls back, his face unreadable in the dim light of the room. “I’m sorry…” 

Jyn knows that this is the final moment, that they have a second chance and she has to decide if she is going to look towards her future with hope or wallow in the past with her regrets. She steps forward quickly and cradles her hands around Cassian’s neck, pressing her mouth against his.

She wants to show him her intent; this is no tentative brushing of mouth against mouth. This is all of her love and passion, fierce and demanding. Sudden heat leaps along her veins, burning flames as she lays herself bare to him. He pulls her towards him with a low groan in his throat, kissing her still more deeply, tasting her with a swipe of his tongue.

He pulls back, pupils blown and hair mussed from the way she has carded her hands through it. “Jyn, mean it..if we do this, mean it. I love you. I’ve always been in love with you.”

Jyn’s breath catches and she begins to cry. 

Cassian pulls her against his chest, burying his face in the crook of her neck. He strokes her hair gently and she thinks that these tears are long overdue. The numbness that had settled over her when she had walked out of their flat two years ago had dulled everything for her and she had not shed a single tear. 

She hadn’t cried when she discovered what Cassian had done, she hadn’t cried in the two years since she walked away from him, she hadn’t cried until this moment. 

“I love you, Cassian,” Jyn whispers this truth. “This was never about who loved who more. I think our problem was that for two years we short-changed each other, skating over the surface of our emotions because we never had the courage to really open up, to never go that deep. Neither one of us wanted to get hurt so we did what we thought we had to do to protect ourselves and look at how we ended up.”

“You’re right,” Cassian agreed, “and when I thought I had lost you, through my own stupid fault, I discovered just how deep my feelings for you really were. Much deeper, so much deeper than I ever realized. I’m sorry, Jyn, sorry for the years we’ve wasted.”

“They weren’t wasted. I think this had to happen so we could build this back up, layer by layer, otherwise it still would have happened.”

The silence is heavy but good, so much lost between them, so many unspoken truths. She can feel the weight of her heart as it starts to gather itself back together and though it’s still fragile, she can feel the shards bending to the beat of his quiet rhythm. She’s loved him since the beginning, will always love him, and takes solace in the fact that he came back. This is a truth she has already accepted.   
  
But for them, the truths can wait, the silence between them already screams it.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the amazing [gloriouswhisperstyphoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloriouswhisperstyphoon) for her notes. NGL, I have been sitting on this for weeks cause I just wasn't sure about it at all. I wanted a different ending and may still write it someday. So hope you enjoyed today's bucket of angst! Find me anytime on tumblr, [leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)!


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